This is one of the verses I am continually reminding myself of lately.
'Its going to be okay, Kristen, he's working it out for your good. He is working it out for your good.'
Life lately has been a bit of a struggle. Financially, emotionally, in relationships, in almost everything. I find myself sitting with God and asking 'why'. Why am I here? And then the questions like 'when do you want me to leave?' 'Am I making the right decisions?' 'Why is this so hard?' 'Why don't people understand'? come along and cause doubt, worry and stress.
And then...Giving up your rights week in DTS comes and I find perspective. We walked to a village, lived in tents, used the great outdoors as our bathroom, did not shower, ate the same food everyday and worked very, very hard in the very, very hot sun. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life thus far. I learned something though. I learned that God doesn't give up on me during the hard times, and that He truly does remain faithful when I am faith-less. The thought that Haiti is to hard a place for me did come to mind once..or twice. Lately though, to be honest, I haven't been very thankful for my life here. I have looked at the hard, annoying, frustrating and unjust things and focused on them. I made these things a reason I should leave. Throughout this trying time God has whispered to me again and again...'trust me'. Have I trusted him with my whole heart though? I would say no.
Trusting Him means continuing to walk on the water, not looking to the left or right but looking forward and saying 'yes, Lord' in obedience to His will for my life. This is what I was created to do; to walk hand in hand with my creator, surrendering myself to Him, pursuing Him, trusting in Him. Unfortunately, sometimes in all the busyness, frustration and struggles in life I forget that. I choose to walk in my own strength instead of relying on His.
And in the end I say 'it's too much'. While at the exact same moment Jesus is saying 'yes, Kristen, I know it is. But it is not too much for me. Let me take your burdens, let me carry you for a while'
Jesus wrapped it all up for me this morning when he said something to me. I was just getting ready for the day, and as I sat down on the couch He said 'Ask me what I have for you here, in Haiti, instead of asking me when I want you to leave. You are thinking about the wrong things. Ask me for understanding instead of complaining that no one understands. You are thinking about the end of your time here, when I am guiding you through the beginning. I will tell you when to move and when to stay. I already know your future, I need you to walk with me in the present.'
I am humbled.
Jesus is the only way. His way is the ONLY way. Whether I,you or anyone believes it or not, that is the truth. There is no hope without him, and with Him there is a hope that stands for eternity.
And He is so good. Just look how He showed me exactly what I need to do. I am unworthy of His love and grace, yet He wraps me in it daily.